The Tyranny of Underwear Sales

     I am quite confused about buying underwear. You see, you can't try them on at the store. You buy them, take them home and try them on. That's when you find out they've got saggy-butt properties or don't even cover your butt crack. What do you do? Take them back? I mean it's quite obvious you took them home and tried them on, right? Then why don't they just let you try them on in the dressing rooms, bathing suit style?
     At $4-$5 a pop, I'm not going to just suck it up and run around with saggy drawers. I want my money back! Here's the plan, I am going to exchange them for the ones that fit. I feel like I've done this before, but don't remember ever being told no. At the same time, I am totally fearful that they have something that detects if you tried them on or not, you know like the mythical chemical in chlorine pools that will turn red if you pee in it? What if the cashier says, "EW! You tried these on? NO!  I WILL NOT RETURN THESE USED UNDERWEAR! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? GOODWILL?"
     And what the hell is up with this "cheeky" bullcrap going on at Victoria's Secret? Sir Sunderland once brought home a pair of these "cheeky" underwear that some sales woman conned told him I would absolutely love how comfortable they are (they were lace, I might add).  30 minutes and they were off. Cheeky is Victoria Secret's for half way between a thong or underwear which = WEDGIE.
     This is what drove me to buying a Costco pack of Grandma undies awhile back. They might not be the most elegant thing, but god damn they fit and were comfortable. Except now I feel like a Grandma and don't find them appropriate for a 25 year old woman. Hence this entire debacle. They better take them back or I am taking this up with the Consumerist, and becoming an advocate of the opposition of the tyranny of underwear sales!